Meeting Reflections 02/02/2017

   Near the end of that bleak November, I sat drinking in my kitchen. With a certain satisfaction I reflected there was enough gin concealed about the house to carry me through that night and the next day.My wife was at work. I wondered whether I dared hide a full bottle of gin near the head of our bed. I would need it before daylight.
   My musing was interrupted by the telephone. The cheery voice of an old school friend asked if he might come over. He was sober. It was years since I could remember his coming to New York in that condition. I was amazed. Rumor had it that he had been committed for alcoholic insanity. I wondered how he had escaped. Of course he would have dinner, and then I could drink openly with him. Unmindful of his welfare, I thought only of recapturing the spirit of other days. There was that time we had chartered an airplane to complete a jag! His coming was an oasis in this dreary desert of futility. The very thing—an oasis! Drinkers are like that.
   The door opened and he stood there, fresh-skinned and glowing. There was something about his eyes. He was inexplicably different. What had happened? I pushed a drink across the table. He refused it. Disappointed but curious, I wondered what had got into the fellow. He wasn’t himself.
   “Come, what’s all this about?’’ I queried. He looked straight at me. Simply, but smilingly, he said, “I’ve got religion.’’
   I was aghast. So that was it—last summer an alcoholic crackpot; now, I suspected, a little cracked about religion. He had that starry-eyed look. Yes, the old boy was on fire all right. But bless his heart, let him rant! Besides, my gin would last longer than his preaching.
   But he did no ranting. In a matter of fact way he told how two men had appeared in court, persuading the judge to suspend his commitment. They had told of a simple religious idea and a practical program of action. That was two months ago and the result was Self-evident. It worked! He had come to pass his experience along to me—if I cared to have it. I was shocked, but interested. Certainly I was interested. I had to be, for I was hopeless.
                                                                                      ~Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous pp.8-10
This is an excellent reading and there are many topics to choose from and much to be gleaned but one this struck me tonight, the phrase : “He wasn’t himself.”
I had the thought “What if he was? What if he was more himself than he had every been?”
It is my experience that when lost in the delusions and lies I created I was far from the true self my Higher Power wanted me to be. I felt like a lost, alone worthless piece of shit. I was hopeless.
Through the insight and peace granted to me by my Higher Power through many means, including the Program of AA I have learned that I was the one getting in the way I was the one taking my path away from what God intended. I was the problem.
This reminded me of one of my favorite saying from Cervantes in the best novel ever written (ask authors they voted) Don Quixote:
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Who was Don Quixote but a man who led a shitty life and chose to live in a fantasy instead? How am I any different than that? Are my windmills any more real?
In the end Don Quixote forsook his false life and embraced his life on earth as it was and died peacefully. I pray I stay on a path that leads me to the same end.
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7 thoughts on “Meeting Reflections 02/02/2017

  1. Wonderful reflection. The beauty of religion really dives into those that are broken better than those without it. Religion is all that is keeping me going in the moments of the wilderness. Pushing through, never loosing sight of the other side.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I might say that it is “faith” rather than “religion”. I don’t need to have religion to have faith and faith is pushing through despite not being able to see the other side.

      So happy I said something that resonated! Always glad to have you here Britt.

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      1. Excellent call out, my amateur mistake of verbiage. I completely agree. The faith stuff is new for me, it’s always been in there, but haven’t started to lean on it until recently.

        Liked by 1 person

      2. I was not calling you out but expressing my experience.

        I believe my faith was always there I was the one that got in the way of it. Happy to have returned.

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  2. I live my life in my own little bubble. Sure, the world around me keeps on moving and crap keeps on happening, but I never dwell on the stuff that others might dwell on, I simply live life with a smile on my face because life is God’s greatest gift. If you don’t try and enjoy your life as much as humanly possible, what’s the point?

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Optimism is a great quality but it was not one I had in my life at the time. I used my bubble, my fantasy world do disconnect from those around me. Cut off from those that might guide and support me I was free to do all manner of awful terrible things that I look back on in horror.

      For me at least connection to humanity and through them, to God is what keeps me sane. Left to my own devices I have proven I am capable of being much worse.

      Liked by 1 person

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