Murder by Yoga!

This last Sunday Lisa invited me to join her for a yoga class. While this may seem like a loving gesture from wife to husband, I know it for what it really is: Attempted Yogacide.

I have been (very) casually practicing yoga for maybe a year. Mostly I do yoga during my allotted lunch break. I find it relaxing and beneficial to my mindset for the day and more importantly to me it benefits my running. Surprise! You weren’t expecting a running post. Well the one thing I have on my side is surprise and humor. The two things I have on my side are Surprise, humor and honesty. Three, the three things….


We headed down to the local Lululemon store for the Sunday free yoga class. People (young women mostly) Filtered into the store slowly. One woman brought her baby another brought her dog. A couple other women brought their menfolk. We glanced at each other, we men, silently avowing to do our best not to embarrass our women.

That was a concern of mine really. I mean, Lisa is a yogi. 200 hour certified to train and practicing every day. I mostly roll around and try not to fart when I do a forward fold. (It doesn’t always work) This was going to be an adventure.

The trying too hard to be good-looking young and athletic instructors started the class. The man (Derek? Deromino?) went first. He warmed us up with Child’s Pose then started the death sentence. I guess these instructors normally work in a hot yoga studio so they like to torture people by overheating them and then making them twist their bodies into unnatural positions. No heat today so they just had to bend us.


OK who am I kidding? By the time this guy was done with his “Downward Dogs” and “Fuck-You you’re folding in half Motherfucker’s” I was dripping sweat like I had been during my six mile run earlier in the morning. I was happy to have been wearing my Buff so I could mop up all the sweat running down off my face and up my nose and into my eyes.

I’ll be honest. I don’t even remember what the female instructor made us do. I think there was some twisting involved. There were plenty of groans and a few curse words. People were upside down.

Not me, because though I’m in pretty good shape, in a yoga class I’m the fat kid that can’t. I just can’t.

Ultimately though I made it through and completed pretty much every pose except for the inversion. It’s OK. I’m pretty happy with the result of not death. Lisa acknowledged afterward that it was a pretty difficult class and I should be proud of myself for finishing it without accidentally exposing myself.

OK she didn’t say that. But she was thinking it!




2 thoughts on “Murder by Yoga!

  1. Haaahaha this was great, you are a trooper for doing this. I love when people share they legitimately got sweaty because yoga is NOT just sitting in a a circle and chanting, it takes work!

    Liked by 1 person

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