For the next few years fortune threw money and applause my way. I had arrived. My judgment and ideas were followed by many to the tune of paper millions. The great boom of the late twenties was seething and swelling. Drink was taking an important and exhilarating part in my life. There was loud talk in the jazz places uptown. Everyone spent in thousands and chattered in millions. Scoffers could scoff and be damned. I made a host of fair-weather friends.
My drinking assumed more serious proportions, continuing all day and almost every night. The remonstrances of my friends terminated in a row and I became a lone wolf. There were many unhappy scenes in our sumptuous apartment. There had been no real infidelity, for loyalty to my wife, helped at times by extreme drunkenness, kept me out of those scrapes.
In 1929 I contracted golf fever. We went at once to the country, my wife to applaud while I started out to overtake Walter Hagen. Liquor caught up with me much faster than I came up behind Walter. I began to be jittery in the morning. Golf permitted drinking every day and every night. It was fun to carom around the exclusive course which had inspired such awe in me as a lad. I acquired the impeccable coat of tan one sees upon the well-to-do. The local banker watched me whirl fat checks in and out of his till with amused skepticism. ~ AA Big Book pg 3-4
This is a great topic: What it was like.
Many of us come into the rooms talking about how we hated ourselves. I certainly did. But at the same time I was full of myself. Being a selfish dick will have that effect on you. That’s lots of good stuff happening in that reading. Lots of bad stuff too but lots of good things.
I was doing well in life. At least on paper I was. I had a wife and two kids, good job AND I WAS STILL FUCKING IT ALL UP. I was not who I appeared to be and in reality I was a depressed, anxious mess who was wholly self-centered to the point of self destruction.
Going to AA, renewing my faith or perhaps more accurately making it firm for the first time, reaching out to others and humbling myself before everything have given me a new life.
It takes work this new life and diligence and patience but it is a fuck-ton better than the half life I was living before.