“But it was not, for the frightful day came when I drank once more. The curve of my declining moral and bodily health fell off like a ski-jump. After a time I returned to the hospital. This was the finish, the curtain, it seemed to me. My weary and despairing wife was informed that it would all end with heart failure during delirium tremens, or I would develop a wet-brain, perhaps within a year. She would soon have to give me over to the undertaker or the asylum.
They did not need to tell me. I knew, and almost welcomed the idea. It was a devastating blow to my pride. I, who had thought so well of myself and my abilities, of my capacity to surmount obstacles, was cornered at last. Now I was to plunge into the dark, joining that endless procession of sots who had gone on before. I thought of my poor wife. There had been much happiness after all. What would I not give to make amends. But that was over now.
No words can tell of the loneliness and despair I found in that bitter morass of self-pity. Quicksand stretched around me in all directions. I had met my match. I had been overwhelmed. Alcohol was my master. Big Book of AA pg 7-8
Hello I’m Josh and I’m an Alcoholic.
I like this reading. It does a very good job of describing the fear, the despair, the absolute hopelessness that we alcoholics lived with, that I lived with anyway. I knew I was beat and that what I was doing the lies, the cheating, the stealing, I knew it was all only causing damage. It was killing me and those around me but I knew no other life.
I call this a “Cake or Death” meeting. You give that scenario to and “normal” person and they will stop drinking, stop the lies etc. But do we stop? No. Did I stop? No. I was given the choice to choose between Cake or Death and I was choosing death every time. I chose death knowing exactly what I was doing but knowing no other way to exist.
That changed with the willingness to submit. The humility to say “I don’t know what the fuck I’m doing and I need help.” I got that in the rooms of AA. I got that through returning to faith and a higher power, a God that I had abandoned.
I’m grateful and lucky enough to have been willing to admit I don’t know shit and in return I have learned from so many others that I can’t run the show and I don’t have to do anything more than be willing and I can participate in miracles.
For those that don’t know: